It's been about 4 months since my last entry. (Boy, that reminds me of going to confession as a child). The last 4 months have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. Still trying to figure out a new normal and getting into the groove of things at work had been a struggle emotionally. There doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to even clear your mind and figure out what to do next.
As I mentioned previously, they were doing layoffs at work. Well, on August 2nd, I got the news that I was one of 14 being laid off. I knew they were coming, and had a pretty good idea I was one of them, but I didn't expect it so soon. I guess you can say it's a blessing (what else am I going to think). I have to believe that everything happens for a reason, and maybe this time off will give me the chance to mentally get myself together, and figure out what will make me happy.
My last day of work is tomorrow, September 20th. I've gone though many emotions the last 6 weeks, from happy to sad, angry, scared of not finding something else, financial burdens if I don't find another job soon. In the end, I do believe that I will be taken care of and He will give me and my family the strength to get us through this.
I'm looking forward to my new journey that I'm beginning, but I will miss the people who've I worked with for the last 4 years. They have helped me through one of the darkest times of my life and for that I will never forget them.
So far, life after Cancer has been OK, I still see doctors every 3 months to keep an eye on things and for that I'm glad. Seeing them makes me feel as if I have a "safety net" and don't worry or think about the cancer returning. That may change in years to come, but I'll deal with that at a much later date.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
It's been over 2 months since my last post. My last entry was right before I went back to work after 9 months off taking care of myself. I was so excited about going back, seeing my friends and getting into a routine again. I can say, the first 2 weeks I was physically exhausted. I was in bed by 7 pm. I should have gone back 1/2 days. But who knew?
Let's just say after the first day, I wish I was back home, honestly. It was so overwhelming relearning everything as things have changed and physically exhausting. Not to mention the stress of layoffs that were done a week before I went back and more a month into my return.
What I've learned while I was out, is that my priorities have changed forever. I still will give 100 percent at work, but a job is just that, a job. My family and me come first now and probably always should have, but when the demands of your job are in your face, you, or I should say me, can't help but get it done no matter what it takes. Well, I can't physically get it all done as before, especially with less staff and the same amount of work. That's just the way it is. I won't compromise my health and mental state.
People see me coming back, looking physically fine and going about my daily routine as if I never left. But what they don't see are the mental and emotional aspects of what I went through. They are still very raw and on my mind daily. My hair is growing back, but I still have a hard time with it being so short and super curly. I did finally stop wearing the wig. It got so hot and my own hair was showing through it. I still have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror with the short hair. I'm not being vain, it's just part of my journey and how I'm handling it.
With work, kids activities, household chores, doctor appointments, I find there is no time for me and my life with the ones I love. My 9-5 job, gets in the way of it and I have to find something that will help me be content with less and doing things that make me happy. But, all of this takes up time and I'm exhausted by the time I get home to work on working to attain that. I'm hoping some energy comes my way and I work on it.
I'm without a doubt I will find what I'm looking for, I already know what I want, it's just finding the time to work on it and making it happen. I am blessed to have many friends who are willing to help.
Until the next post. I will have an update on my journey, AFTER CANCER.....
Let's just say after the first day, I wish I was back home, honestly. It was so overwhelming relearning everything as things have changed and physically exhausting. Not to mention the stress of layoffs that were done a week before I went back and more a month into my return.
What I've learned while I was out, is that my priorities have changed forever. I still will give 100 percent at work, but a job is just that, a job. My family and me come first now and probably always should have, but when the demands of your job are in your face, you, or I should say me, can't help but get it done no matter what it takes. Well, I can't physically get it all done as before, especially with less staff and the same amount of work. That's just the way it is. I won't compromise my health and mental state.
People see me coming back, looking physically fine and going about my daily routine as if I never left. But what they don't see are the mental and emotional aspects of what I went through. They are still very raw and on my mind daily. My hair is growing back, but I still have a hard time with it being so short and super curly. I did finally stop wearing the wig. It got so hot and my own hair was showing through it. I still have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror with the short hair. I'm not being vain, it's just part of my journey and how I'm handling it.
With work, kids activities, household chores, doctor appointments, I find there is no time for me and my life with the ones I love. My 9-5 job, gets in the way of it and I have to find something that will help me be content with less and doing things that make me happy. But, all of this takes up time and I'm exhausted by the time I get home to work on working to attain that. I'm hoping some energy comes my way and I work on it.
I'm without a doubt I will find what I'm looking for, I already know what I want, it's just finding the time to work on it and making it happen. I am blessed to have many friends who are willing to help.
Until the next post. I will have an update on my journey, AFTER CANCER.....
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Angel Number 811
Have you ever looked at the clock and saw your birth month and day as the time? My birthday is August 11th, so, in past years I've noticed it at times, some more often than others, but really didn't give it much thought.
Since June of 2011, when I was diagnosed, I've seen this time on the clock more times than I can count. Out of the nine months that I've been out of work, I've seen 811 on the clock at least once a day sometimes twice. There may be a handful of times that I didn't, but after a month or so, I thought to myself, I wonder what that means. It kept happening everyday!!! Now I thought maybe it's just because I'm home and had nothing to do.
I kept telling myself I have to google it and see what it means. I found myself calling my husband every time I saw it, he probably thought I was nuts....and just telling me OK, the time is 8:11. Maybe deep down inside I was afraid to find out if it meant anything, in case it was bad...Not that I would believe it or not.....
I finally decided to google it Friday, after everything was over. Then I thought how would I word it to google it???? I tried "what does seeing your birth month and day on the clock mean.". It came up with some different links about Angel Numbers.
So I typed in my number 811 and was so amazed by what it said.
Since June of 2011, when I was diagnosed, I've seen this time on the clock more times than I can count. Out of the nine months that I've been out of work, I've seen 811 on the clock at least once a day sometimes twice. There may be a handful of times that I didn't, but after a month or so, I thought to myself, I wonder what that means. It kept happening everyday!!! Now I thought maybe it's just because I'm home and had nothing to do.
I kept telling myself I have to google it and see what it means. I found myself calling my husband every time I saw it, he probably thought I was nuts....and just telling me OK, the time is 8:11. Maybe deep down inside I was afraid to find out if it meant anything, in case it was bad...Not that I would believe it or not.....
I finally decided to google it Friday, after everything was over. Then I thought how would I word it to google it???? I tried "what does seeing your birth month and day on the clock mean.". It came up with some different links about Angel Numbers.
So I typed in my number 811 and was so amazed by what it said.
COMBINATIONS OF 8'S
8's and 1's, such as 811 or 881 - You are nearing the end of a significant phase of your life. If you are tired of some part of your life, be glad that it will soon be healed or replaced with something better. Surrender and release those parts of your life that
aren't working, as your thoughts of a better life are coming to pass.
aren't working, as your thoughts of a better life are coming to pass.
There were other things in the article that said when you see it, you are to ask the Angels to give you a sign of what to do next, etc.... I thought this was very interesting. Now I wonder, since this phase of my life has passed, will I keep seeing it, we shall see.
I did see it Saturday and also today. So I did have Angels by my side through this whole journey. I always knew there was someone by my side looking out for me, but after seeing this, there is no doubt now.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
The end.
Today marks the end of all cancer related treatments and surgeries. Last week was the end of 7 weeks of radiation and had my last surgery to remove my port on March 12th. Today, I got the OK to go back to work after 9 months off. Boy, it seems like it was a lifetime ago since I was diagnosed. Today, I told my surgeon, Dr. Malon, I met her on June 15th, 2011 and exactly 9 months to the day, today, March 15th I get the OK from her to go back to a "normal life". She was amazed how I remembered dates. When you go through this, you remember a lot of dates. Some good, some not so good!!!
Now, when I read the blog from the beginning, all the feelings and emotions come back to me as if it were yesterday. Today, I am no longer scared of the cancer coming back. Will those feeling change, probably, but right now, I feel like I've kicked cancer's ass and survived this journey.
My journey doesn't end just because I'm cancer free! Another one starts. Life after cancer. I will continue to blog as I get back into the real world. I'm sure there will be lots of other emotions, feelings, etc., to deal with. I just need to remember to stay positive, and keep myself healthy, both mentally and physically.
So, I'm going back to work Monday and am looking forward to seeing my friends! I'm a little nervous, but that's to be expected! Hope I haven't forgotten everything!!!! I know I'll be exhausted for the first few weeks, but the nice weather is here and hopefully I'll manage to get my strength back to what it was 9 months ago!
My hair is growing back, not the color I want, a steel wool gray, but hey, it's hair......I will dye it when it's long enough for me to go without a wig, or when the hot weather gets here, whichever comes first!
Now, when I read the blog from the beginning, all the feelings and emotions come back to me as if it were yesterday. Today, I am no longer scared of the cancer coming back. Will those feeling change, probably, but right now, I feel like I've kicked cancer's ass and survived this journey.
My journey doesn't end just because I'm cancer free! Another one starts. Life after cancer. I will continue to blog as I get back into the real world. I'm sure there will be lots of other emotions, feelings, etc., to deal with. I just need to remember to stay positive, and keep myself healthy, both mentally and physically.
So, I'm going back to work Monday and am looking forward to seeing my friends! I'm a little nervous, but that's to be expected! Hope I haven't forgotten everything!!!! I know I'll be exhausted for the first few weeks, but the nice weather is here and hopefully I'll manage to get my strength back to what it was 9 months ago!
My hair is growing back, not the color I want, a steel wool gray, but hey, it's hair......I will dye it when it's long enough for me to go without a wig, or when the hot weather gets here, whichever comes first!
Saturday, February 25, 2012
I really do see the light.....
Well, it's coming up to my last week of treatment and I can't be happier. I do see the light at the end of the tunnel! I am truly going to miss the radiation therapists that I have come to know and call my friends.......Also included are the nurses, Dr. Malon and everyone else ( to many to name) at the Cancer Center. I know they are just doing their jobs, but to me they have helped me through a very scary part of my life and for that I will be forever grateful. I will never forget them!
I'm looking forward to going back to work after being out for almost 9 months. Getting back into some sort of routine will do me good.
I will update this blog soon and see what life after cancer brings! I'm not going to lie, I've had my ups and downs and I'm sure I'll have some more. That's part of life. But with my faith, family and friends I know I'll get through it!
xoxoxo to all of you!
I'm looking forward to going back to work after being out for almost 9 months. Getting back into some sort of routine will do me good.
I will update this blog soon and see what life after cancer brings! I'm not going to lie, I've had my ups and downs and I'm sure I'll have some more. That's part of life. But with my faith, family and friends I know I'll get through it!
xoxoxo to all of you!
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Did someone say Runway Model?
I just found out that I was nominated and won a spot at Project Pink! This is a fashion show for breast cancer survivors. I will get a makeover, HAIR, CLOTHES and MAKE-UP! You could have nominated yourself or someone could nominate you. I was talked into nominating myself. For me, that's a hard thing to do, to talk about how much "I" deserve something when there are others who deserve it too. The nomination was due around the time when I wasn't emotionally feeling that great about myself, so I couldn't and didn't do it. I figured, I'd just go to the show and have a good time.
Next thing I know, Denice at the Cancer Center tells me I won a spot in Project Pink. I said "how did I, I didn't submit anything", she said I know, so I nominated you. Again, the people at the Cancer Center are so wonderful, I feel so blessed to have met everyone of them.
So on with the makeover! I can't believe how involved this is. We hear that the show "Better CT" will be there to shoot a segment on it. Starting next week, a 3 hour appointment at the Red Door Boutique in East Hampton to pick out clothes/outfits!!!! A 90 minute appointment at the EG Salon in Middletown for hair and make-up. Not sure what they plan on or can do with this head of mine!!! I'm sure they'll do wonders with the wig I have. I'm not ready to let my own hair all hang out yet. The Cancer Center also wants to show a 10 minute clip before the show with some of us telling our stories with breast cancer. They gave us a list of questions, we can pick one or two if we want and we will be videotaped. They aren't making us do this, so I haven't decided whether or not I can do this. I'd get so emotional. Talking in front of people, let alone videotaped, if one of my fears, so why not try and conquer this fear now?? No time than the present. It's a new beginning for me now. So, if any of you want to see if I faced and conquered one of my fears, come to the show and see!
The show is Thursday, April 26th at the River House in Haddam from 5:30 to 8:30. Tickets are $40 a person. This is a great fundraiser for the Cancer Center. If you'd like to go, I can give you information on tickets. By then, I'll be back to work, so I thought I'd just leave work early and go to the show, hell what do I know, I've never been in one before!!! I just found out last night that the salon wants us there at 11am for a day of pampering before the show. Imagine me asking my manager for a day off before I even get back to work. But as I see it, it's part of the healing process!
Next thing I know, Denice at the Cancer Center tells me I won a spot in Project Pink. I said "how did I, I didn't submit anything", she said I know, so I nominated you. Again, the people at the Cancer Center are so wonderful, I feel so blessed to have met everyone of them.
So on with the makeover! I can't believe how involved this is. We hear that the show "Better CT" will be there to shoot a segment on it. Starting next week, a 3 hour appointment at the Red Door Boutique in East Hampton to pick out clothes/outfits!!!! A 90 minute appointment at the EG Salon in Middletown for hair and make-up. Not sure what they plan on or can do with this head of mine!!! I'm sure they'll do wonders with the wig I have. I'm not ready to let my own hair all hang out yet. The Cancer Center also wants to show a 10 minute clip before the show with some of us telling our stories with breast cancer. They gave us a list of questions, we can pick one or two if we want and we will be videotaped. They aren't making us do this, so I haven't decided whether or not I can do this. I'd get so emotional. Talking in front of people, let alone videotaped, if one of my fears, so why not try and conquer this fear now?? No time than the present. It's a new beginning for me now. So, if any of you want to see if I faced and conquered one of my fears, come to the show and see!
The show is Thursday, April 26th at the River House in Haddam from 5:30 to 8:30. Tickets are $40 a person. This is a great fundraiser for the Cancer Center. If you'd like to go, I can give you information on tickets. By then, I'll be back to work, so I thought I'd just leave work early and go to the show, hell what do I know, I've never been in one before!!! I just found out last night that the salon wants us there at 11am for a day of pampering before the show. Imagine me asking my manager for a day off before I even get back to work. But as I see it, it's part of the healing process!
Not much longer to go!!
The countdown begins! I just finished my fourth week of radiation. This week was a little tougher as I battled an awful cold all week along with a 24 hour stomach bug to go with the fatigue of the radiation. I managed to finish the week (Friday night) with a $1667 Silpada show for all my Silpada sisters out there reading the blog!!!! That sure made me feel better! Cold and stomach bug GONE!!! Too bad my husband has it now, he's the last one in the house to get it, so let's be done with it for crying out loud!
I just have 3 more weeks of it and then time to schedule one last surgery. I can't say enough about the people at the Middlesex Radiation Oncology Group, they are absolutely wonderful. You see the same people every day and really develop some sort of friendship with them. One of the patients that I've been seeing the last 4 weeks just finished on Thursday and one of the radiation workers (I don't know their job title???) got teary eyed. These people become your friends for 7 weeks, seeing them every day and talking about everything.
No doubt, I will get emotional when it's my last day. First, because I will be done with my cancer treatments, and second, I will miss these people who I've come to call my friends; Angela, Denise, Peggy, Chet. They all sure know how to make a crappy situation into an enjoyable portion of my day for 7 straight weeks. And for that I am thankful.
I just have 3 more weeks of it and then time to schedule one last surgery. I can't say enough about the people at the Middlesex Radiation Oncology Group, they are absolutely wonderful. You see the same people every day and really develop some sort of friendship with them. One of the patients that I've been seeing the last 4 weeks just finished on Thursday and one of the radiation workers (I don't know their job title???) got teary eyed. These people become your friends for 7 weeks, seeing them every day and talking about everything.
No doubt, I will get emotional when it's my last day. First, because I will be done with my cancer treatments, and second, I will miss these people who I've come to call my friends; Angela, Denise, Peggy, Chet. They all sure know how to make a crappy situation into an enjoyable portion of my day for 7 straight weeks. And for that I am thankful.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Partay!
I went to an after Christmas party this afternoon! It was such a nice time. Bob and I didn't know that many people at first, but had a wonderful time! Drank, ate and danced!!!! Funny, how being diagnosed with cancer enables you to meet and connect with so many people you'd never think of connecting with.
I want to thank Teri Everett and her husband for a great time. I look forward to the next one!!!!!
Thanks also to Sue Craffey and Susan McDevitt for making it such a special afternoon for us!!!!! And for the others that we've met!!!!! It sucks that cancer is what brought us together. He has a plan, and I'm sure it involves all the people I've come in contact with. I do believe, we'll fight this awful disease with such a powerful force and grace!
It's late and that's all I have right now. 2 weeks of radiation done and 5 more to go. Until next tiem.
Good night!!!!
xoxoxoxo Everyone!!!!
I want to thank Teri Everett and her husband for a great time. I look forward to the next one!!!!!
Thanks also to Sue Craffey and Susan McDevitt for making it such a special afternoon for us!!!!! And for the others that we've met!!!!! It sucks that cancer is what brought us together. He has a plan, and I'm sure it involves all the people I've come in contact with. I do believe, we'll fight this awful disease with such a powerful force and grace!
It's late and that's all I have right now. 2 weeks of radiation done and 5 more to go. Until next tiem.
Good night!!!!
xoxoxoxo Everyone!!!!
Physically feeling good.....
I've done 2 weeks of radiation already! So far so good. The people there are wonderful. It's nice seeing the same people everyday and getting to know them, it makes the time go by so fast. The 7 weeks will be done before you know it!!! No side effects yet, but I'm sure they won't compare the the side effect of chemo!!!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
And the radiation begins......
My sister asked me today, how come no posts lately. I told her I wasn't feeling it. She suggested to have a few glasses of wine and maybe it'll come to me. So I did!!! Let's see what this post brings.
Since my last post, I just finished my 3rd chemo. My last chemo came and went with no problems. I just needed to wait 3 weeks before I started the radiation. I had my "prep" radiation appointments, one last week and one this week. I got my markings "tattoos"...I start my 7 week radiation treatment this Monday the 16th every day for 7 weeks.
During my 3 week break, I was able to go to Florida for a long weekend and visit my sister and her family. It was a nice break and the weather was heavenly!!! A much needed break away from the 4 walls in my house.
I get so lonely and bored home all day. I've been out of work since July 1st, and being out of your daily routine and interacting with people for that long gets old. At least with radiation, it's everyday and I get to see people everyday, even if it's for about 30 minutes. Ask me how I'm doing after the 4th week and my story may change!!!!
There are so many more things to say about how I'm doing mentally and emotionally but I can't seem to put it into words yet. I first thought I didn't want to post things that were depressing and sad, but this blog is about the emotions that I'm going through. And unfortunately there are good days and then there are bad ones. So, I'll try not to be so hard on myself and let me be me while I'm on this journey.
Until next time..~...
Since my last post, I just finished my 3rd chemo. My last chemo came and went with no problems. I just needed to wait 3 weeks before I started the radiation. I had my "prep" radiation appointments, one last week and one this week. I got my markings "tattoos"...I start my 7 week radiation treatment this Monday the 16th every day for 7 weeks.
During my 3 week break, I was able to go to Florida for a long weekend and visit my sister and her family. It was a nice break and the weather was heavenly!!! A much needed break away from the 4 walls in my house.
I get so lonely and bored home all day. I've been out of work since July 1st, and being out of your daily routine and interacting with people for that long gets old. At least with radiation, it's everyday and I get to see people everyday, even if it's for about 30 minutes. Ask me how I'm doing after the 4th week and my story may change!!!!
There are so many more things to say about how I'm doing mentally and emotionally but I can't seem to put it into words yet. I first thought I didn't want to post things that were depressing and sad, but this blog is about the emotions that I'm going through. And unfortunately there are good days and then there are bad ones. So, I'll try not to be so hard on myself and let me be me while I'm on this journey.
Until next time..~...
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