November 21, 2011, my third chemo treatment. I've heard from people who've gone through it that by the third time it gets worse. I couldn't imagine that, since the first 2 weren't that bad at all. Except for the loss of power for 7 days and an infection on my head!!!
I went in that day and now I'm seeing the physical signs and feeling the emotional signs this treatment is having on me. In the scheme of things, it may seem minimal to someone who isn't or hasn't gone through this. They say, your hair will grow back, you'll be back to normal when all the drugs are out of you, your wig looks great, you look cute in the knit hats, etc...... but I have stayed positive since June 14th, never blamed anyone for this, never said why me, but after 6 months of this it's taken a toll on my body, mind and emotions!
I can barely look at myself in the mirror, my face has red blotches all over it and I'm bald. I'm tired of wearing these knit hats and the wig, as nice as it is, it isn't mine. Not to mention the loss of appetite AND weight gain. How in the hell can that happen! I don't even want to go out of the house at times. I'm exhausted all the time. They say by the 3rd chemo, it builds up and you will get tired more often. I won't even mention the awful snoring I've developed since the first chemo. Keeps everyone up in the house!!!!
I can say that my husband, Bob, Joey and Lauren have been great since this last chemo. I have been an emotional roller coaster and it can't be easy for them to deal with my ups and downs. Joey asked me how I was doing yesterday and usually I say "fine", but I just told him what I was feeling....I was tired of feeling fat, gaining weight, being bald, and wearing these knit hats.....He's so sweet, he's trying to make me laugh, saying how cute I was with the hats and reminded me that, yes, I'm bald, but some people are bald and won't make it.....and that I'm going to be fine. I get it, and love him for trying to make me feel better. But, hey, I'm human and I'm blaming the drugs on my emotions!!!!
I was talking (OK texting) today to my sister-in-law and she told me don't be to hard on myself. Sometimes you have to get mad, sad and angry to get over to the hurdle for the next part of the journey. I haven't done any of this since it all began, so maybe it's about time!!!!! After her text, I did feel better! (Thanks Anne xoxoxo) Whatever it is, it better go away soon, I can't stand it much longer.
The light at the end of the (chemo) tunnel is near. My last treatment is December 12th. And since it's my last one, I won't need my neulasta shot (that's what makes me sick with the aches, pains, and sometimes nausea). But those darn steriods I do need, so I'll do this one more time and be done with it.
I have to wait 3 weeks before radiation, so I will hopefully be able to enjoy the holidays with family and friends!
I hope everyone enjoys their Holidays. I know I sure will! I do have a lot to be thankful for this year, but will be glad when 2011 is over with.
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