It's a Party.....

Well, this week was the first time since my diagnosis that I had a pity party for myself.  It lasted less than a day, but it happened.  I guess I am entitled, or so I am told.

I had my port put in on Monday the 3rd and chemo is to start on the 10th. Not taking the time to rest after Monday's surgery, I went about my business and ran errands.

My favorite errand, going to try on wigs.  NOT!  I dreaded this so much.  But I wanted to have something for my head.  I know people say "it'll grow back, it's only hair", but all the cancer patients I've talked to say this is the hardest to deal with.

I have some scarves and hats that are OK, but I want some "hair" just in case.......The Cancer Center has a "wig room" where  you can go and try on wigs, synthetic ones.....eeekkkkk...  My hairdresser says get "human hair" if you can.  So I went to a wig store to at least see and feel what human hair felt like.  It does feel like human hair and you have to do the upkeep as if it was your own hair!  Some say that's the drawback.

It's Wednesday and I have an appointment to try on wigs.  It's hard to get the real effect with your own hair still there.  So there I am trying on these synthetic wigs and you can't comb them like human hair, you just have to play with it with your fingers to get it to look right.  After an hour or so, I walked out of there with a wig and about 7 knitted hats, scarves, etc.

By that time I was feeling sick.  I forgot to eat and had taken a pain pill because I was sore from the surgery on Monday.  Luckily I was just 20 minutes from home, I didn't think I'd make it but I did.

When I got home and went straight to bed at 2:30pm.  Lauren comes home (my 11 year old daughter) and comes to lay with me in bed.  I told her what I did that day and she asked if she can look at my "goodies".  That little girl had a field day with all the stuff.  (You all have to know that being nauseous for me is the worst, I can take physical pain, but not a queezy stomach.  So my emotions are running rampid.)  She tries on the wig and says "hey, can I wear this for Halloween?"  I was thinking of being a girl from the 1980's.  Holding back the tears (not tears of laughter) I said sure.

I don't think I cried as much as I did that night.  I know it's only hair, but I think everything finally sunk in, chemo is starting Monday and I am nervous and scared.

I feel like I'm being tested....the longest day of my life.....

The waiting is over.  My follow-up with the medical oncologist was this Friday, September 30th.  I was told to call 2 days before to see if test results were in.  OK....Being persistent and impatient,  I decided to call last week on the 20th, and yes the results were in.  So, I managed to get an appointment for today at 8:15 am.  I was nervous of what the results would show, but anxious to get on with treatment.

We met with the doctor and the results were what we expected.  Right in the middle where it would be my personal decision.  The doctor said she'd give us a few days to decide and Bob and I looked at each other, both of our eyes tearing up because we each knew what the decision would be.  He would say no chemo and I would say yes to it.  I told him I just didn't want to burden him with taking care of me and he said it's my body and mind that has to deal with it and he'd be beside me the whole time with wahttever I decided to do.  So the decision is made, on with chemo!!!!!

Now that that weight has been lifted from our shoulders, let me back track a week. Last Sunday, September 17th in the evening, Bob sneezed and all of a sudden he gets this headache.  Within minutes it's unbearable.  He can't lay down, he's sweating, he's in so much pain it's scares the heck out of me.  So, I tell him lets go to the hospital, he says no it'll go away......after an hour of me pleading with him, I gave him a migraine pill which relieved it abit.  I'm watching his every move, speech, walking, talking, to see if something serious was happening. In the morning he still feels a dull ache, but goes to work.  That whole week he still has a dull headache.  I call the doctor to see if it's normal to sneeze and get such a heacache.  Then I see Bob googling headaches, migraines, brain tumors, etc....which for him to do this, it means he was worried.  He said when he woke up that Monday morning, he literally wanted to die that night, it was that painful!

So, after my appointment this am about my chemo treatment, off we went to the doctor to have Bob checked out.  He explains what happened, and she immediately says we need to get this looked at "stat".  So, off we go to the hospital for an MRI and an MRA of his head and brain.  I asked if she'd call us with results, she said no we're waiting for them and if it's bad we'll need to admit him.

I'm literally scared to death, not even caring about what's happening to me.  That's nothing compared to the thought of something happening to him.  I'm a nervous wreck in the waiting room, waiting, crying, praying to let him be OK. I never asked God why me with cancer, but if something happened to him, I would have questioned him.  After waiting about 30 minutes the results are back and everything looks fine.  I teared up with joy.

So home we went, he's taking a well needed nap and I will keep my eyes on him forever!!!!

All surgeries are done!!!! Now for the treatments......

I thought since they got all the cancer, surgeries are done, that I would be less scared, but not the case. I am somewhat scared of again, "the unknown" I am now waiting to see what the treatment would be.  Whether it just be radiation or both chemo and radiation. I was told that the cancer stage (stage 1) and type I have type B, (there are types A, B and C) which  is dead smack in the middle and would possibly be a "personal choice" as to whether or not I wanted to do chemo. 

I am scheduled to meet with the medical oncologist Monday, September 12th.  She will look at my records/data and put in the computer that tells you the results as to what the  percentage of  what the reoccurrence rate would be if I had chemo or if I didn't have chemo.  If it was a type A, they would probably say no to chemo, if my type was a C, they would do chemo, but since it's a B, right in the middle, it may be my choice........What am I to do?  I'll just have to look at the percentage of reoccurrence rate and decide with the help of my husband and rely on my faith to help me make the right decision.

 If chemo is required, I would need it for 4 months, every other week.  I hadn't known that the chemo is about 4-5 hours a day for 1 week, then one week off, etc.  Then after chemo it would be a total of 35 treatments of radiation.  At least that is just 10 minutes a day for 5 days a week, for 2 months.

In my heart and mind I know what I'd do regarding chemo if it was up to me, but I will wait to see what the doctor says.

I have been positive 95% of the time, but it's been 3 months already and it feels like I'm still in a fog.  I need a vacuum to suck everyting out of my head just to clear it out, so I can focus on me and my journey.

Two more days to wait and see..........

A sweet story I heard today:  My 16 year old son, Joey,  plays baseball.  Well, he's been using his sister's pink bat bag.  I thought it was because his was old and worn out.  I did think, "why is he using a pink bag", aren't the other boys going to tease him?  He's is very respected by his teammates, so that wasn't a problem.  And he never asked for a new one, and for Joey that was odd!!!!!  One of the parents told me at today's game, that Joey told her son, that he uses the "pink bat bag" to support his Mom because she has breast cancer.  That hadn't even entered my mind why he was using it, I got so teary eyed when she told me.  I am so proud of what a great young man he is growing up to be.  He's still a teenager and by no means is perfect, but he does get things in life, and that makes me proud.  Joey I love you!!!!

The Results Are In.....

This posting is a little late, but as you all know life happens and time flies by.  I was scheduled to get my results from my August 5th at my follow-up appointment,  August 11th (my 47th birthday).   I knew they would have them earlier, but I wanted to get them in person.  On that Wednesday before, I kept contemplating whether or not to call and see if they were in.  Part of me wanted to, but the other part said no, what if they aren't the results I wanted to hear.  In my mind, I tossed and turned whether or not to call.  I thought well, if they were bad the doctor would call, or if it was good news they would call......UGGG!!!!!  I left it alone and decided to just wait.

I figured it was after 6:00 pm and no calls, I'll wait.  Then the phone rang at 6:50 pm and I saw it was the doctors office......stomach in knots, I picked it up.  It was the doctor and she said she had preliminary pathology results.....I quickly grabed a pen and paper then started writing everything she said.

The area on the left side that they saw something different on the MRI was clean!  The lymph nodes were all clean, no cancer!! (they took out 5 of them, and boy was it painful!!!) and 1 of the 2 margins on the right side was clean.  They just had one little area on the right side where there was still some non-invasive cancer.  The doctor would go into more details the next day when I went for my follow-up.

What a weight lifted off my shoulders when I heard that news!!!!!  I cried with joy!!!  What a wonderful birthday I was going to have!!!

August 11th ~ Happy 47th Birthday to Me!!!!

Bob and I went to the follow-up appointment Thursday the 11th.  She first examined the areas where I was operated on.  Everything looked fine.  I just couldn't lift my right arm where they took the lymph nodes out....I asked her, "why didn't you tell me this was going to be painful"  lol......she said the lymph nodes were all over the place and she had to do alot of cutting......but all in all it was worth the pain given the results I'd gotten.

With the little bit of cancer left she was going to check with the radiologist to see if she could get "a pass" on it and get it with radiation.  I said I'd rather have it taken out and that's what she advised also.   So, another surgery is scheduled for Friday August 19th.  I am hoping his will be it and I can start some treatment after all of these surgeries heal.

We celebrated my birthday with a nice dinner and a concert!  The very next morning, we all headed to Cape Cod for some time away.  Bob's brother from Oregon was visiting and we had a reunion at the Cape on Saturday.  All of his siblings, parents, nieces and nephews were there.  It was a great time, especially with the great news and great company!

We headed home Wednesday to relax for a day before my next surgery on Friday.  I assume this will be like the first one and not as much pain as the last.  Either way it's one step closer to the end.

Bob and I are going to a fundraiser tonight.  Put on by After the Storm Inc. (http://www.afterthestorminc.org/)  2011 Art Bra Runway Show & Auction.  I'm looking forward to it!

I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family, great friends and co-workers during this time.  I can't tell you all how much you all mean to me.  The prayers, thoughts, cards, emails, texts, flowers, and gifts make me feel so loved.

Second Surgery Done!

Friday morning, August 5, 2011, 7:00 am, leaving for surgery......Be there by 7:30, surgery at 8:30, or so I thought.......My kids asked what time I'd be home and I told them "oh, about noon or 1:00pm".....

I get there and forgot about all "the prepping" I needed, so needless to say I didn't go into surgery until 10:45....As the day goes on, they constantly have to ask me what they were going to do, just to make sure they cut the right spot.  So, I rambled the 3 areas they were doing, and added a few of my own, like lipo on both my right and left upper thighs....They all laughed!!!! I tried using that a few times, but unfortunately they didn't buy it.

The surgery went well, but I was a little disappointed that I didn't get the Michael Jackson stuff to knock me out!!!  I got some other stuff that didn't make me feel that great!!!!!  It took me awhile in recovery, I was feeling so sick.  The thought of lifting my head and getting dressed for the ride home made me sick...

I get my results this Thursday, on my 47th birthday, at my follow-up appointment!  I pray for some good news.  It would be the best present I could ever ask for!!!!!

I always underestimate the recovery period of surgeries.  My last one, I was mowing the lawn 2 days after....Not this time.  No one told me how painful removing lymphnodes was going to be.  I can't even move or lift my right arm.  It was a pain I've never ever felt before.  Like a buring hot fluid was dripping down my whole arm.  I had to look quick to make sure nothing was dripping out of me.....It was scary the first few times.  Very tough to get comfortable. 

Today, Tuesday, August 9th is the first day I can somewhat function.  I stopped taking the pain medication they prescribed for me. I've decided to see if extra strenght tylenol worked.  That doesn't bother my stomach, or make me dizzy.  So far so good.

I want to thank Bob, Joey and Lauren for being the best caretakers a wife and mother can ever ask for.  Bob you're so caring and still make me smile, even when I don't think I can.  Lauren, my little Florence Nightingale, you're my angel.  Joey, my young man.  Your big kisses and hugs make all my pain go away.  Don't stop being who you are!!!!  I love you all!!!

And to my family, friends, and co-workers ~ the emails, text messages, phone calls and cards, I thank-you.  They bring a smile to my face.  Makes me feel like my life it normal for those moments.

Until Thursday......

Back To The Beginning

This post is one that should have been posted at the very beginning.  My mind was in such a fog from the diagnosis and writing the first post, and others that followed that I feel it's a very important one to post. Let me go back to the very beginning.

My cancer was detected through a routine annual mammogram.  I found no lumps through self-breast examinations, or exams done by my doctor.  They noticed tiny microscopic calcifications on my mammogram that they thought needed another look at.  So I was called in for more pictures of that breast.  When they did the other mammogram, it was decided that it looked odd enough to warrant a biopsy.   And as they say the rest is history.

I want to put the word out there on how important it is for every women to have their annual mammogram screenings. If I had not done mine, who knows what this could have turned into.  My cancer was caught early, Stage 0, at first, then to stage 1, but a very slow growing cancer.

So if you're over due for your mammogram or due for one soon, please cal and schedule your mammogram.  It could be the difference between stage 0 or stage IV, or life and death.  If my message reaches at least 1 person, then I've done my job.......

The Waiting Game

Anxious to find out when they can do the next surgery, I called the doctor's office on July 15th.  The "scheduler" is out and I should try back Monday.  Knowing I was going out of town on Wednesday, July 20th to the 25th.  I wanted to at least have the date before I left to feel at ease.

Called back on Monday the 18th and left a vm........I finally got a call back and my next surgery would be Friday, August 5th.  Whew!!!!  I can enjoy my time away.

I left for Silpada Designs National Conference in Kansas City.  For those of you you don't know, Silpada Designs is a sterling silver company that does home shows. ( Want more info contact me.....lol) I was traveling alone to meet some new friends and possibly see some old ones.  I've been going to this conference for over 6 years.

That morning before I left, I didn't want to leave my husband and kids.  It would be the first time I would be away from them since I was diagnosed.  I cried and told my husband I didn't want to go.....but eventually I got it out of my system and got out of bed.  The night before my son asked me to come in his room to say good-bye.  I told him it would be very, very early, he said he didn't care.

I went in to kiss my daughter who was still somewhat asleep, kissed her and told her I loved her.  Then I went into Joe's room.  I said good-bye Joe, and he picked his head up gave me the tightest hug and kiss and said he loved me......that made it harder to leave.....But off I went...

In the past conferences I've attended, they truly motivate you both personally and in your business.  The testimonials, are inspiring.  But this year it took on a new meaning for me. The theme was "Girlfriends for Life", and when I say I met some wonderful women, that was an understatement.  I met the most caring, compasionate, funny, beautiful women I've ever met since being with Silpada.  They are girlfriends for life!!!!  I met women who shared their stories of breast cancer, or people the knew who was diagnosed with it and going through treatment now.  It helped me alot hearing others talk to me about it.....Gave me more hope and a more positive attitude.  So being at conference kept my mind off everything, I barely dwelled on it.

Back to reality on the 25th....

I received a call from the doctor's office (my doctor was on vacation and someone else was covering for her), they want me to come in and have another ultrasound to see if they can find the "funny looking tissue" that they saw on the MRI, on an ultrasound.  Ok I said, when???  I am scheduled for the ultrasound on Friday the 29th.

I walk in to the ultrasound room, escorted by Robin, who will be doing my ultrasound today.  Robin has done previous ultrasounds in  past years for me, so I knew her.  She looks at my chart and immediately says, "I feel so bad for you", because of all the mammograms, ultrasounds, biopsies, MRI and surgery's that I've had.  I said don't feel bad it's not your fault, you're just doing your job.....She said but you came in here with such a smile on your face, I just feel bad.....I just smiled again and said don't worry.....

She does the ultrasound and says she needs to go get the doctor so she can read it.......About 20 minutes later she comes back apologizing....The doctor is doing a biopsy and will be here as soon as she's done.  I told her don't worry I have all morning, but I do need to go across the hall to have blood drawn for my surgery.  So I went to have the blood drawn and came back.  When Robin brings me back in to the room, she felt bad I had to wait so she gives me a Stop and Shop gift card.....I laughed, and said you don't need to do this, she said, take it, I feel really bad.  I'm thinking since when do these kind of places give out gift cards.....I said Thank You and sat back down.....waiting for another 15-20 minuted she comes back in and says I don't have much but you can have these, they were Dunkin Donuts gift certificates....I laughed again....and took them.  Then thinking to myself, what would I get if I waited all day, a bag of cash?  lol

The doctor came in and didn't see the "funny looking tissue" on the ultrasound that they saw on the MRI.  I made sure she was going to talk to my regular doctor about this and let me know what would happen.

Now for some more time away.  We went to the Cape on that Friday and stayed until Monday.  That time away too, took my mind off of it for awhile.  It was beautiful just getting away.  My in-laws are the best!!!! The weather was perfect.  We went to the lake, ocean and bay.  Mini-golfing, arcade, and go-cart racing...the kids loved it.  So now just 4 more days to go......

When I got home I wanted to discuss the surgery with the doctor.  I didn't want to go into surgery Friday and have them tell me something else.  I spoke to the doctor on Wednesday evening, she agreed that they are still going to biopsy the left side, remove the rest of the cancer on the right side and take out the enlarged lymph node(s) and test or take out the centinal lymph node.  I was more at ease.

Surgery is scheduled for 8:30 am tomorrow. I'm not the least bit nervous, the time is near, and in less than 24 hours I will be in Good Hands and the doctor will get the job done.  My results should be in by Wednesday the 10th, that is when I will have my follow-up appointment from surgery.  I pray for everything to go as planned and no more surgeries, but I will think positive and deal with whatever is given to me.  God doesn't give you more than you can handle, and if He did, He's right there beside you to help you through it. So far, I've handled more that I've ever had to.....and I know He's been right by my side.

Bob, I love you with all my heart.  Joey and Lauren you are my angels and what keeps me going through all of this.

Thanks to all my family and friends who have helped me through this so far and their continuous love and support.

I'm going to have a good night sleep and wake up to a brand new day, one day closer to the end of this journey.